Friday, December 12, 2008

With Every Christmas Card I Write...

I posted this last year on another blog, but I have received requests to post it again.  Since I am a slave to all 2 of my readers, I will post it here...

** I apologize in advance for offending anyone who uses his/her Christmas card as an excuse to brag about how incredibly brilliant, talented, and/or amazing his/her kids are **

You know the Christmas cards I'm talking about, right?  They devote a full paragraph to each of their kids, usually starting out the paragraph with something like, "[kid's name] is our little future President."  Then they proceed to paint the most lovely picture of how each child is extremely talented and has a gifted intellect.  In case you aren't familiar with these kinds of cards, and you would like to write one of your own, I have come up with 10 steps to writing a really conceited Christmas card.  Here they are:

1. Definitely compare your 1 year-old to a genius - past or present.  Among the most popular geniuses are: Einstein, Mozart, Galileo, Shakespeare, etc.

2. By all means, please list every activity in which your child is involved and, of course, excels.

3. In addition to all of the in-your-face "we're-awesome" comments, throw in subtle comments that show how great members of your family are.  Example: "John is still playing a lot of golf - being in the Bishopric hasn't affected his game too much."

4. Project what your child will become in 20-30 years based on his/her present's fun and easy.  Example: 2 year-old Johnny bangs on a little piano, ergo he will be a concert pianist.

5. Write your own ambitions for your children as if they were your children's ambitions.  Example: "Britney( 2 years old) really wants to be a surgeon."

6. Mention a couple of negative things (to show you're humble) in a way that, in the end, show how great you are.  Example: (From Michael Scott; listing his "weaknesses") "I work too hard.  I care too much.  And sometimes I can be too invested in my job."

7. 1 page is not enough.  You should really be pushing 3 or 4.  Don't worry!  People love reading really long Christmas cards.  They don't want an overview...they want the nitty-gritty details.

8. Go very light on information that will help people get to know your kids.  Instead, it is extremely important to list their "accomplishments."

9. Tell us about what "people" say about your child without mentioning who these "people" are.  Example: "People say Elizabeth looks like a model."

10. Remember, the world revolves around you.  Assume that everyone on your Christmas card list is just as interested in every detail of your life as you are.  Always write from that perspective.

Good luck!  I look forward to hearing from you!


Carrie Anne said...

thank you! i was hoping you'd post this again!!! i'll make sure we send you the 3-4 page version of our family's christmas letter this year.:) thanks for always making us laugh out here...we wish you'd post more but i guess you do have to study for law school.:)

Garrett said...

Carrie - I have wanted to post more often but I found that, following the election, the only thing I had to comment on was politics and that's really annoying. However, I think the political rubbish is out of my system so I can start posting more often now.

Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoy the blog. I hope you guys are doing well. We miss you in C town.

Carissa Poyfair said...

FYI- I was really self-conscious writing my Christmas letter this year. Your post from last year kept coming back to haunt me and after many drafts, I feel that I have written a letter you could be proud of. Although I'm not going to let you read it just in case you decide to use parts of it in next year's "How not to write a Christmas letter" post. I think you've given me a complex!

annewalker said...

Tis is really fun to read! I enjoyed this post, writing a conceited christmas card :) Hat's off to you. Pretty hilarious points :) The christmas card messages could be long enough to set a diary of what happened to your family for the whole year, LOL.

Happy Holidays everyone,
Anne Walker