Top Ten Contest

Through the years I have found David Letterman's Top Ten Contest to be a suitable creative outlet during times of stress. I have the Bar exam to thank for this one:

Top Ten Things Overheard During President Obama's Trip to Russia

"I just flew in from Washington and boy are my ears tired" Dave M, Fargo, ND

"What happened to the guy who can't say 'nuclear'?" Ernie D, Mississauga, ON

"Did you see the new episode of 'Miami Vice'?" Michael R, Dubai, UAE

"The last guy from the US used to drink all our vodka" Bill B, Springfield, MO

"I loved you in 'Hancock,' Mr. President" Marc M, Brooklyn, NY

"Do they sell Marlboros here?" Cameron H, Deltona, FL

"Mr. Obama, tear down this teleprompter!" Garrett H, Spokane, WA

"Hey Michelle, do we have any more iPods?" Randall W, Anniston, AL

"We'll cut back our nukes but you have to take Rush Limbaugh" Linda F, Shady Side, MD

"Let's get a coffee from Tsarbucks" Mike J, Brampton

Here's the link: http://lateshow.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/contest/index/php/20090711.phtml

This is my fourth time making the list...looks like I've got another "Late Show" mousepad coming my way. I enjoyed the prizes much more when the Late Show was actually funny, but one can always use a new mousepad, right?

Walking Out on Graduation...

Graduating from anything is quite an accomplishment, so why is it that the "official" way to celebrate is to wear some ridiculously silly robes, stand/sit for hours and hours, listen to some idiot spout off anecdotes and lessons that you don't care about, and then grab your diploma and throw your cap?

As crazy as all of that is by itself, when you graduate from Case Western Reserve University School of Law you have to pay $200+ to do it.  That's right, you pay over $100,000 to "learn how to think like a lawyer" and then they jab you with a $200+ bill for renting your robes on the way out.  Not to mention that all of the commencement activities take up about 8 hours of one's life - 8 hours spent with annoying law students who you have been forced to put up with for 3 years.  Here's how I tally it:

Robes = $200

Commencement Day = $400 (8 hours x $50/hr - the cost of my time)

Dealing with Annoying law students for 8 hours more = $40

Total = $640

I got to thinking, what could I do with that money instead?  I found that the possibilities are seemingly  endless.  Since I can't do some of the following activities and work at the same time, I will limit the budget to $240 on those activities.  Here are a few items I came up with:

1. Play 18 holes of golf at one of the best courses in the country

2. Play 180 holes of golf at a few municipal courses

3. Buy some new piece of electronic equipment (ipod, phone, TV, etc.)

4. Buy all new camping equipment

5. Buy all new fly-fishing equipment

6. Take a helicopter trip over the grand canyon

7. Buy great seats to a Cavs playoff game

8. Order anything I want from the best steakhouse in the US

9. Take the whole family on a little vacation

10. Pay back a tiny portion of my ridiculously large student loans

I'm just getting started.  There are plenty more and I will add them to the comments as I think of them.  I would welcome any suggestions you have.  

The only downside to taking my approach is that you don't have any pictures for posterity.  However, thanks to photoshop you can have the pictures and you never have to wear the horrendously archaic and non-flattering robes of the unholy priesthood.  Check this out:

Response to Michael Moore

I hesitate to even mention Michael Moore on my blog, but I saw an editorial he wrote and I just had to respond.  In the editorial, Moore praised President Obama for his firing of GM's CEO and for his use of his "superhero" powers.  Here's the link. (I know it's very un-Michael Moore-like to actually provide a link to the original source so you can view it without relying on my biases, but I'm a better person than he is)

I sent him the following email:

"Mr. Moore,

"He has the massive will of the American people behind him -- and he has been granted permission by us to do what he sees fit."

Who gave him this permission?  The 66 million people who voted for him?  What about the 62 million people who voted for Bush in 2004?  To do what he sees fit?  So, now we are supposed to accept the President's judgement?  Does it have to do with approval ratings?  Did you say similar things when Bush had an approval rating between 80 and 90 percent?

See, my problem is not necessarily what you say, because I can accept your premises, and appreciate them, and then shave off all of the excess BS.  You are who you are and you serve an important purpose in our society, even though I disagree with many of your contentions and the ridiculous and intellectually dishonest way you shout those contentions without making obvious concessions.  

My problem is that you are clearly not a man of principle.  You want it one way for the things and people you like, and a different way for the things and people you don't like.  You whined for years about the way that Bush did what he saw fit.  I guess the real problem is that he didn't do as you saw fit.  So, is that how it is?  When a President agrees with you, he can have almost unlimited - even superhero - powers, but when he disagrees he should be impeached?

As always, you are a giant contradiction.

Regards,

Garrett Hall

PS. It is not a valid response to bash Bush.  We've heard it.  Notice that I am not defending Bush or bashing Obama.  I'm simply talking about your hypocrisy and lack of principle."

Obama Birth Certificate Issue

Obama Cartoon

Here is a Photoshop hack job I did last night.  It's a rip off of a controversial cartoon from the NY Post a few weeks ago, but I incorporated aspects of Obama's ridiculous budget.  I hope you enjoy!

My only comment about the article I linked to is that Sharpton incorrectly concludes that the cartoonist may have been "inferring that a monkey wrote the last bill".  That is 100% false!  He might be implying that a monkey wrote the last bill, but he's certainly not inferring it.  You are inferring that the author is implying that a monkey wrote the last bill.  The speaker implies; the listener infers.  

Geesh.  Even George W. Bush knows the difference between infer and imply.

Is This The Change People Voted For?

There are a few things Obama is doing that really tick me off.  I will list a few of them here.  A smug Obama has repeatedly responded to criticism of his policies by childishly saying "I won"!  Also, in the last few weeks he has responded to criticism from both sides by saying "this is the change people voted for".  Lastly, Obama keeps saying that we must "remake America".  I am trying my best not to be overly critical of this administration, but I am having a hard time...not because I am a weak creature and can't contain myself, but because the administration is giving me so much to criticize.

I won!

Congratulations!  By winning the election, you have the dubious job of bringing Republicans and Democrats together in a difficult (NOT A CRISIS) time.  I think the most effective way of preventing that from happening is to respond to Republican ideas by smugly saying "I won".  All that talk of bipartisanship and bringing people together...what is the point of bringing people together if you are just going to closeline one group of people.  I have no problem with you saying that you won and so you get to make the decisions, but don't set up some "bipartisan" parade and invite Republicans to the Super Bowl party only to jack them in the nose as soon as they open their mouths.  Forego the rhetorical BS and just jack them in the nose from the start.  Send a message.  But, if you do that, you have to own it.  Yeah, that is something that you have to do when you have responsibilities...something that is new to you.  Your charm - which was never very strong for me because I actually listen to the words that come out of your mouth and attach meaning to them - is wearing off and this childish whining is extremely annoying.  But, it's Barack's victory and he'll cry if he wants to!  

The Change People Voted For?

Did people actually knowingly vote for specific changes?  Because all I heard in the campaign was a very ambiguous promise of CHANGE.  I don't believe people actually knew what they were voting for.  They knew almost nothing about you, because you were "present" in the state senate and you campaigned for most of your US Senate stint.  During the campaign you were painfully ambiguous on what you would actually do and the media protected you from having to answer real questions about it.  So, I think you just ran at the right time when people just wanted any kind of change.  But, you can't introduce radical budgets, spending bills, and programs and defend them by saying "hey, the people voted for this change".  What happens when things go wrong?  Can we blame you or will you blame the American people for wanting the change that produced so many bad results?  As you haven't really owned anything yet, I am counting on the latter.  

Remake America?

I love America.  I have loved America and have been proud to be an American my whole life - not just recently like Ms. Obama.  America is not perfect and every once in a while we realize that we need to tweak something to make us a better country.  Tweaking and remaking are very different!  Obama wants to give America a face lift; I just want to remove a few of America's moles.  I am offended and shocked when Obama says we need to remake America.  No, we don't!  We need to change some things.  We need to continue improving as a nation.  Our foundation is good and our principles are solid, but he seems to want to change even those.  I worry about my country.  

So, those are some of my issues right now.  I have a lot more to say, but I have realized that if I try to say everything I want to say in each of my posts, I end up with 10 incomplete posts waiting to be completed.  So, this is what I have right now...

Bipartisan Blog!

I am happy to inform you all that this is now a bipartisan blog.  All are welcome here; I won't prevent anyone from visiting the site.  I am ushering in a new era of bloghood.  I am going to unite the parties so we can make some progress.  Here's how it works:

I will share my opinions with you all.  If you disagree, I will listen to your opinions.  I will then share my opinions with you again.  Then, I will explain very clearly why my opinions are correct and yours are wrong.  If you have any further disagreements, I will remind you that this is my blog and, therefore, I am the winner and you are the loser.  If you still have problems with my opinions, I will restate my opinion in a way that makes you think it is the same as your opinion, even though I haven't changed my mind at all.  By then, you will surely agree with me.  If not, you will be invited to leave my blog and come back when you get some sense.  

Bipartisanship is a wonderful thing!  It's a good thing I'm such a unifier and that I can transcend pesky little disagreements by imposing my will on you all.  If you don't comply, I will accuse you of being a fear-mongering bigot who doesn't understand the new era of politics.  It will be great!  Get in line!

Can Bill Clinton Save the Planet?

CNN just posted a story with the following headline: Bill Clinton Broadens Plans to Save Planet.  I pictured the planet flying off its axis and going dangerously close to the sun when William Jefferson Clinton flies to the rescue and pushes the planet back into its regular orbit.  With this in mind, I clicked on the story and it basically said that Clinton's organization partnered with the State of Arkansas to fight climate change.  I was so infuriated that CNN had mislead me that I wrote the following comment:

"Bill Clinton broadens plans to save planet?!? What a ridiculous headline. Bill Clinton cannot save the planet. Bill Clinton can't even save 1/10,000 of the planet. To have any plans to save the planet is outrageous. And then, to broaden those plans? Unconscionable. Here is an appropriate headline for you, CNN:

"Bill Clinton partners with Arkansas to fight climate change"

It's not perfect and I'm sure there are better options, but at least it is somewhat reasonable. Maybe people like sensational headlines, but your headlines should seem at least partially plausible.

Understand, this is not a partisan bashing of Bill Clinton and his "plans"; it is a non-partisan bashing of bad headlines, bad journalism, and bad taste. Shape up or I will broaden my plans to destroy the sun…where will you be then?"

On another note, how arrogant are we to think that any of us can save the planet?  The planet has been around for a looooongggg time.  It has suffered some pretty serious disasters and somehow always manages to bounce back.  I think it can handle some humans driving in SUVs.  And, if it can't, the planet will simply get rid of said humans and their SUVs.  This doesn't mean we shouldn't be wise stewards of the planet on which we live - regardless of whether or not we can have an impact on it; just that we should be realistic about our smallness in relation to the planet.

With Every Christmas Card I Write...

I posted this last year on another blog, but I have received requests to post it again.  Since I am a slave to all 2 of my readers, I will post it here...

** I apologize in advance for offending anyone who uses his/her Christmas card as an excuse to brag about how incredibly brilliant, talented, and/or amazing his/her kids are **

You know the Christmas cards I'm talking about, right?  They devote a full paragraph to each of their kids, usually starting out the paragraph with something like, "[kid's name] is our little future President."  Then they proceed to paint the most lovely picture of how each child is extremely talented and has a gifted intellect.  In case you aren't familiar with these kinds of cards, and you would like to write one of your own, I have come up with 10 steps to writing a really conceited Christmas card.  Here they are:

1. Definitely compare your 1 year-old to a genius - past or present.  Among the most popular geniuses are: Einstein, Mozart, Galileo, Shakespeare, etc.

2. By all means, please list every activity in which your child is involved and, of course, excels.

3. In addition to all of the in-your-face "we're-awesome" comments, throw in subtle comments that show how great members of your family are.  Example: "John is still playing a lot of golf - being in the Bishopric hasn't affected his game too much."

4. Project what your child will become in 20-30 years based on his/her present tendencies...it's fun and easy.  Example: 2 year-old Johnny bangs on a little piano, ergo he will be a concert pianist.

5. Write your own ambitions for your children as if they were your children's ambitions.  Example: "Britney( 2 years old) really wants to be a surgeon."

6. Mention a couple of negative things (to show you're humble) in a way that, in the end, show how great you are.  Example: (From Michael Scott; listing his "weaknesses") "I work too hard.  I care too much.  And sometimes I can be too invested in my job."

7. 1 page is not enough.  You should really be pushing 3 or 4.  Don't worry!  People love reading really long Christmas cards.  They don't want an overview...they want the nitty-gritty details.

8. Go very light on information that will help people get to know your kids.  Instead, it is extremely important to list their "accomplishments."

9. Tell us about what "people" say about your child without mentioning who these "people" are.  Example: "People say Elizabeth looks like a model."

10. Remember, the world revolves around you.  Assume that everyone on your Christmas card list is just as interested in every detail of your life as you are.  Always write from that perspective.

Good luck!  I look forward to hearing from you!

Conservative Pride!

Hi! My name is Garrett and I am a conservative. I have always known in my heart that I was conservative. When I was a kid and the other kids talked about abortion and gay marriage I was thinking about my newborn sister and how great it was to have a father and a mother. It was hard. I never felt like I fit in. There were times when I questioned my political philosophy, but I would just deny it and bury it. Finally, I was tired of living all the lies and pretending to be something I wasn't. When I was 23 years old, I told my liberal parents that I was conservative. They had a hard time with it, but they have grown to accept me and even joke about my being conservative.

I think it's important to point out that I did not choose to be a conservative. God made me this way. It is unfair for others to ask me to expand my thinking and accept homosexual lifestyles, because it would deny who I really am. It's difficult to be a conservative in this liberal world. We are constantly the butt of jokes and the objects of scorn. But, today I am proud to be a conservative. I am glad God made me this way, even if it does make things difficult for me sometimes. We are all different and you need to be tolerant of me and accept my lifestyle and ideas. To do otherwise, would make you hateful, divisive, and oppressive.